Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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