i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
