I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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