atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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