I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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