please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
