I just saw a hot homeless man
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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