I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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