the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
