just come out here and I will go home with you...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
