Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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