I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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