I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
