Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
