Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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