I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the day after is always just damage control
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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