I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
