I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
