How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
