Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
