I just saw a hot homeless man
You can't special order awesome
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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