You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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