Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
