What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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