I will die if light touches me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
