dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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