I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
