Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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