So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
