people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
