Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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