I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
