I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
