I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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