Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
