this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
