Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
