hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
