Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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