something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
