She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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