When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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