i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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