First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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