He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
