so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
