Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just cut my nipple shaving
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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