TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
