so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
