I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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