Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
