Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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