I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
